“i forgot how to hope…this night’s been so long”

“The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died

it’s like i’m a shell. watching my poor body curled up, wracked with pain. i know i’m alive. but seriously, i feel like so much of me has died. piece by piece. baby by baby. taking me out piece by piece. this loss hurts. in such a different way from the first two. the first…was shock and sadness. like how could this happen to me? it doesn’t run in our family? it was foreign. i knew a few close friends who’d had recent losses but i honestly never even slightly imagined my pregnancy would end the way it did. the second, was just a fact of life. i was pregnant. then i wasn’t. i feel bad but it just didn’t hit me as strong. honestly, i cried the day it happened. and then after that, i couldn’t cry for about 2 months, no matter how hard i tried. that pregnancy i had been so positive, so trusting in God. so that loss was anger. i was pissed. and i needed a plan. and we got one. tons of blood tests and appointments and a plan for extra hormone supplements. that was gonna do the trick. this pregnancy…took some work. lots of meds. i didn’t let all the trying consume me, but i knew this baby was going to be so very loved because we were “giving so much than we get” (ya know, like that awesome michael bubbly song!) and this loss. it hurts. because i truly believed my concoction of pills would do the trick. this time. i ache.

And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

it’s over. it went so quickly. and i knew from the beginning something wasn’t progressing right. but i was hoping. i was believing in the miracles and healing powers of my God. but the dreams just slipped away so quickly. and now, i’m slipping away. the hope is so distant right now. there’s just an incredibly painful ache that won’t go away. an emptiness. a loss. a grieving. no hope.

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again

And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

i think i still believe that God will bring the beauty from this pain. but as i lay here curled up on my couch, drugged up with codeine and clinging to my heating pad…the pain is almost unsurmountable. and worse than the physical pain, is that ache…the pain in my heart, in my very inner core, in my soul. the pain of another lost angel. the pain of the fears that i’ll never be the mother i so long to be. the pain of failing again. the pain of disappointment. the pain of broken dreams.

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

seriously, the person i was 14 months ago, is someone totally different. yes, God has changed me. and my story. and i know he’ll use me, yada yada. and it’s making me stronger. i know he will use this awful chapter…but at the same time…i AM NEVER going to look back and be glad that He let me walk through this place. there will never be a part of me that’s glad i lost my three babies. ever. seriously, the best i can do is just get through the day. praying i won’t cry in front of a ton of people. praying i can make it to a bathroom or behind a door where i can cry for a few moments. praying i can get through the people and the work and make it home to my couch or bed, where i can just lay and cuddle with my kitties and just cry. i’d like to see the bigger picture god! if you don’t want me to hurt like this, if you are crying and hurting along with me…couldn’t we just speed up the process? haven’t i gone through enough?

And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

i can’t understand why this keeps happening. i can’t. i can’t keep losing babies. it breaks my soul, my spirit, my heart too much. please make it stop. please let the gold come sooner rather than later.

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

so i’m stuck here. at the end of each day. praying and clinging to you. praying i’ll get through the next day. and the next day. i’m trying so hard. but this loss, it’s broken me, god. i’ve forgotten how to hope. it’s been too long. and i just keep losing my babies. i’m clinging to your promises so very hard, praying for the dawn…but right now, i can’t see them, i can’t feel them. all i can feel is the overwhelming ache and sadness.

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

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3 thoughts on ““i forgot how to hope…this night’s been so long”

  1. Since we talk daily, I dont want to spend a lot of time here writing. But, I will say this again and again and again. Hope will come back to you. It has a funny way of doing that. You don’t have to force it or wish for it…it just slowly creeps back into your aching heart, little by little. This world is broken and battered. Filled with disease and sin. But, what nobody can take from you? no amount of guilt can cover it up, no amount of pain can hide it and no amount of “bad news” can change the fact that you are a mother. And that one day, you will have a family on this side of heaven. NOBODY and NO Body can take that away from you. For now, rest dear friend. sleep. cuddle your kitties and your husband. write.

    I dont know how heaven works….but I have this feeling that my 3 little ones and your 3 little ones are the best of buddies…

  2. I love you so much, My dear sweet daughter, and I wish I could take your pain, but I can’t. I don’t even know how I can help. I know that God tells us when we don’t know how or what to pray for, the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words can’t express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. Romans 8:27 So when I don’t know how to help or pray I know God in His mercy gives me His Spirit to do it for me and He knows how to pray for you, far better than I do. I do pray believing still, that one day you will be the mother you have always dreamed you would be. That gives me hope, and I pray you will one day soon have that hope as well. I am here with arms open and ready to give you a hug, and you can cry all you want, and I’ll cry with you. You are a treasure. Love, Mom

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